How I cope in a world of darkness. With all the pressures that society puts on us, it is a wonder how anyone can survive. I look around in the world today and I feel that something changed. It is not so much the people in my world that changed, it is me. All my life I played the good little girl for my mother, then the good sister, wife, mother and friend, until one day I woke up feeling depressed and alone. I do not mean that I am physically alone: I am mentally alone. How did I get here and why?
I made a hard decision a decade ago to raise my children in a functional family, but in order to accomplish this I had to leave my dysfunctional one behind. I grew up in an environment that was mentally unhealthy. I felt like Cinderella in my own home, but instead of a wicked step mother with two step sisters, it was my birth mother, brother and sister. My father was the Prince, but he was controlled by my mother, therefore he was seldom around when I was growing up. My support group in those days were teachers and friends.
I had a friend in my life who has become more like a sister to me over the years. She has always encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone and to stand up to for myself when she witnessed others taking advantage of me. She gave me courage to seek mental help so that I could deal with my past and live a mentally healthy adult life. Unfortunately, I did not find a psychologist that was a good fit for me. The first one yawned several times during a $200 session and the environment felt cold and the second therapists I found had anger issues. She blamed me for not knowing how to stand up to a controlling mother at the age of 12. Needless to say, I did not go back to her. I decided to go back to school and major in psychology. It helped me to diagnose myself as a co-dependent, and I learned how to set boundaries for myself. My professors looked forward to reading my papers and were impressed that I managed my dysfunctional issues on my own. Today I am estranged with my family that raised me, because they did not respect my boundaries, nor did they take ownership of the hurt they caused my friends, family and me over the years. The problem is that they are still attacking me emotionally without even being in my life. My mother sends her attacks in birthday cards to my children and myself. My children do not want anything to do with her because of her mental abuse, so instead of taking a hard look at herself she blames me. My heart has grown cold and I have lost hope in humanity. I don’t believe people today have any morals, passion to help others, or love in their hearts. I may feel this way because of my environment, because I live in an area full of shallow self-centered people who will do or say anything to get what they want. I need to work on why I attract the same dysfunctional people who I ran away from.
I have come to realize that our environment has everything to do with how we feel. I learned to stop worrying about being liked by everyone if it means losing myself. I am content being married and I love my husband and children. I like to help others to achieve their dreams as well as helping my family and friends out if it makes their lives easier. If someone is only your friend because you can offer them something such as, a ride on a yacht, tickets to box seat football games, and/or free drinks, then they are not true friends. My wise grandmother once said, “Friends will come and go, but your true friends will be there forever”. Don’t let society dictate who you are, be the person you were born to be. If you find yourself doing things you really don’t enjoy and/or your peers are straying you down the wrong path, then run in the opposite direction as fast as you can. I believe if you live a healthy life and surround yourself with people who build you up, then you have a better chance of surviving a world full of darkness. Keep looking up.
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